W hat is this page? This is where I, the Unpaid Ugly American Basement-Imprisoned Leather-Bound Web-Gimp, post some of my favorite nuggets of U.A. wisdom along with, at some point, links to the precariously mountainous stacks of letters from whence they were mined. These are hand-dipped little gourmet bonbons of the type of U.A.- flavored High-Cuntiness in which the acutely poorly socialized staff here are known to traffic. I'll add a few more links next month, if you're lucky, and as for the rest... Seriously, you think I don't have 20 more important things to do than this, most of which will hopefully involve either fun, money or pussy? Well from the looks of it, #21 will involve none of those things. Yes, it's full of errors, feel free to come to the conclusion that you'll live.
- S.W.V. June 12, 2014.



"Those who believe the lie will never understand this and most of you don't know there is a lie being told. Don't think of repression in terms of 1984, either, it's much more subtle and user-friendly these days. But, anyway, your room is a cell. The police, parents, priests, bosses, and even your friends are the guards. You are the warden. You are the inmate. You hold the key to freedom, but you'll never free yourself. What's the alternative? Unacceptance, starvation and death? They're so scary and unattractive. It's a brilliantly designed prison. Who's not going to want to sign up? The cells are so beautiful. You got it all. They'll even provide the drugs, like TV and alcohol. The kind of things that will never lead to their downfall, only yours. Hell, they'll even let you dream. Dreams are harmless and most are never realized. The American dream is the impossible dream, but they'll never tell you that. They'll even tell you what to dream for: money, hot cars, hot women and a bigger, better cell. You don't want to be a loser. You don't want to be a bum. You don't want to die. They'll provide the rebels, the heroes, and the adventure for you. No risks at all, since somebody has to do the work. They'll provide the goals, also. You'll forget yours and make yours theirs. Yours are theirs and have always been theirs. Sure, a few of you will make it to their promised land. There has to be some positive reinforcement. Some of you will see the lie and choose not to live it and die. And some will play the game because they don't want to die. Most of you, however, will follow the path blindly. As they say, ignorance is bliss. They'll even get you to hate those who know the truth. You'll call them freaks, weirdos, losers, lazy, good for nothing pieces of shit or whatever the catch phrase of the day is (maybe it's "the homeless"). They have already made the truth theirs. They'll wreck, warp, or rewrite the truth. If all else fails, if they can't conquer you, they'll destroy you. They can't even trust themselves, so why are they going to trust you? Even still, if you buy in, you'll probably crack. You'll become an alcoholic. You'll beat your wife. You'll kill 30 people in a Mcdonalds, and they'll blame you. You'll blame yourself. You'll hate yourself. You already do... But where is the line going to be drawn? The hippies sold out. The punks have sold out (I saw Black Flag on VH1 for fuck's sake). I'm probably going to sell out. When they said "live free or die", they lied. They still lie. So do you. On with the review..."
Issue #7, 1991




"Off-kilter goon rock played by goons for goons."
Issue #3, 1988




"These boys say 'please' and 'thank you' when singing about getting fucked in the ass by the government, taking the hot poker of fascism as if it were a buttery dong."
Issue #6, 1990




"Is this what passes for punk these days? Christian revivals have more fire. We're doomed."
Issue #9, 1994




"...the time I spend tending to delicate PC sensibilities has dropped to zero, and if you think the truth hurts, well, you've come to the right place."
Issue #13, 1999




"Their music, to put it bluntly, sucks."
Issue #4, 1989




"Violence, sexism, Satanism, and snot all churned out in a blur. It was 20 minutes filled with more punk than most bands muster in their career. I beat 'em at their own game, tho. I stole a 'Fuck You Up And Get High' t-shirt when they weren't looking. Har."
Issue #6, 1990




"...they shamble like Sabbath with a shotgun and bad teeth."
Issue #8, 1992




"Rage Against The Machine? They are the fucking machine, asshole."
Issue #12, 1997




UA: Would you ever fuck a fan?
Kim: Yes I would.
Issue #9, 1994




"Ever since these turgersnaps fell outta Seattle's butt, I was yappin' to anything with ears about how great they were, comparin' 'em to everything from Satan with a fuzzbox to Elvis with four dicks."
Issue #5, 1990




"...soft-shoe death metal for those who think aggression means eating an entire ham in one sitting."
Issue #10, 1995




"Shit, they couldn't sell a million records if you gave 'em away with wet pussies attached to them."
Issue #8, 1992




"These fillies lock horns with the rams on their own turf, and conquer male ugliness and agression with female grace and beauty. Bow to the goddess..."
Issue #9, 1994




"Big Black may have done it first, but it's Ministry who'll be remembered for bringing it to the man on the street. This, fellow record-loving swine, is the future."
Issue #2, 1988




"I thought Craig Mack had a clock-stopper of a mug but this is ridiculous. Bets are on that the next star for Bad Boy Entertainment is a singing frog or the limbless chick on the A.C. boardwalk who plays the keyboards with her tongue."
Issue #10, 1995




"A circle of would-be assailants surrounded them with chairs hoisted above their heads, ready for any chance to take a crack at the cracker."
Issue #4, 1989




"...and if you want to think that this is a victory over stodgy conservatism, the label will be delighted to sell you a dozen more copies to help you fight the power."
Issue #12, 1997




"Single of the year, any year, hands down." "Wiry white trash blues with truckloads more badass soul than anyone has a right to have."
Issue #8, 1992




UA: Ever have any real wild hallucinations?
MD: All the time, you melting shit-dog blistering day-glo vision of a half-man.
Issue #3, 1988




"...is the failure of by-the-numbers liberals everywhere who've privileged group politics over individual creativity to such a degree that they find themselves wishing for a human utopia without a single human in sight."
Issue #10, 1995




"...goes to show how much Steve Albini helped these dopes by telling them to play like a heavy metal band."
Issue #2, 1988




"Anyway, I would also like to make it clear that without the willingness of wild and free women, there would be no porn, so at this time I would like to invoke the goddess Mylitta, and pledge my devotion to the golden tresses of Venus."
Issue #10, 1995




"Made up of a mid-tempo crumpet, a stomper, and a dirge, everything melts together into a steaming heap of afterbirth that will sell a million copies regardless what I think of it."
Issue #4, 1989




"Saw some fuck-ups try and do a racist job on this dreadlocked brother. Boldly, homey weathered the storm and stood his ground. He was the lone symbol of utter defiance in a room full of 'rebellious' white youth. Word of advice from Malcolm X: 'If anyone lays a hand on you, send them to their grave.'"
Issue #6, 1990




"They played for two hours and as they exited I slapped em all five. They may be getting old but they still got it in them."
Issue #2, 1988




MUSIC IS DEAD!
Issue #10, 1995




"Corporate policy and PC rhetoric go together wonderfully as methods for controlling the populace on the one hand, and creating enough fog to justify any abuse in the name of power and wealth on the other."
Issue #13, 1999




"Just ok, but a couple of times they clicked and I saw god."
Issue #4, 1989




"A pre-packaged Next Big Thing, kill them now."
Issue #3, 1988



"So why do we bother? The joke gets stale, but the punchline always hits."
Issue #9, 1994




"Alright, you know they couldn't possibly live up to their name, probably one of the greatest band names ever."
Issue #2, 1988




"Society is too busy watching sports or the media monarchy massacre, shooting up or shooting each other while the real targets chuckle behind two-way mirrors inside televisions."
Issue #10, 1995




"Or, even worse, that all one needs to make good music is a "sassy" "punk rock" "attitude", as if the world isn't already brimming with glassy-eyed Warhol disciples trying to bluff their way through life."
Issue #9, 1994




"Words still won't describe what went on at those gigs. Mayhem seems too calm, anarchy is too political, freak-out is too hippie."
Issue #6, 1990




"Everybody knows that the first three songs on Eric B. & Rakim's Follow The Leader have not been surpassed, but some of this stands shoulder to shoulder..."
Issue #10, 1995




UA: Is there anything you would like to say to the few followers of 9353?
9353: What a snotty provocative question. I ought to ramble on out my ass for pages on this one. Since you asked for it there is something I'd like to say to all 27 of you out there and that is: Quit that shit that you are doing! You know what I'm talking about. Quit that shit. Do you hear me? I'm telling you right now clean your shit up. Any problem? I didn't think so. Get to it, you heard me. Fix your brokeness. Fix it right next time.
Issue #10, 1995




"Don't think you didn't want to know this."
Issue #10, 1995




UA: Yeah, it makes for good reading.
JM: Nobody reads your magazine, though.
UA: I know. It doesn't matter, as long as I like reading it.
Issue #6, 1990




"With a skinny little vocalist who makes a neat static-y lizard sound every time he screams..."
Issue #4, 1989




"I'm too high to review this."
Issue #9, 1994



UA: Now sing 'My Desire'.
BB: Do I have to?
UA: Only if you want to.
BB: "My lips are hot and cold / To engulf your mouth and soul / Smoldering for you / I'll melt your body, too."
UA: Sing the part I like.
BB: "You're hard / And I'm soft / you're cool and I'm so hot."
UA: Now let me have a moment of silence.
(Silence)
Issue #6, 1990




Eric: Fuck it, everybody sucks, even us. Who are we kidding?
Issue #10, 1995




"I'd rather have you stare at the sun than actually buy this record, but I'm not always that practical."
Issue #9, 1994




"The buzz from A&R vultures speaks louder than any of their music, which is a sure sign of the impending major label doom that's poised to swallow them up." "This says 'trick or trick' so I'm giving 'em the ole apple with the razor in it."
Issue #7, 1991




"Pick this up, a million suburban white boys can't be wrong."
Issue #4, 1989




"Bob Bannister is also in this band, but he's quiet and probably full of self-loathing, which is twenty steps closer to punk rock than Jon Fine'll ever get. On the other hand, Bob didn't smash his guitar over Jon's head, so fuck him too."
Issue #10, 1995




"If you can't handle that then maybe you should go read Raygun."
Issue #9, 1994




"They went from doing songs about drugs, to songs about choosing drugs over girls, to songs about taking drugs with girls."
Issue #4, 1989




"To enjoy anything anymore, you need to stop pining over the past."
Issue #12, 1997




"Playing Dio's Holy Diver next to Confusion Is Sex in 1983 told you right away who were the stingy rock prisses and who were the freaks trying to capture the sound of pure fucking electricity on tape."
Issue #13, 1999




"It's a shame cuz one of these suckers jammed with Albini on the 'Run Nigger Run' tune 'Prey I Don't Kill You Faggot' and it gave me the impression that he was a noise maestro."
Issue #2, 1988




"Perfect for our hibernation generation to toke a bone to while putting the middle finger on the trigger aimed at the enemy forces gathering in the not-so distance like state troopers at a picnic. Fuck gun control."
Issue #9, 1994




"I think the only reason A&M signed 'em was Chris Cornell: he looks like the singer from INXS and sounds like Bob Plant (Jealous? Of course.). In five years he'll be doing the love theme from Top Gun 3 with Terri Nunn or the Wilson sisters."
Issue #3, 1988




"Set-up: Bass, keyboards, drums. Let me elaborate. Miraculous bass. Imagine Mike Watt with a twat."
Issue #4, 1989




Laura: What's this tape? 'Nazi Versus Jew'? What's that mean?
UA: It's marching songs of Nazi Germany back to back with Klezmer (jewish wedding) stuff. The Jews definately win on this one.
Issue #8, 1992




"The return of drug rock."
Issue #3, 1988




UA: Do you see yourselves moving out of Philadelphia?
BS: We're moving out in all directions.
UA: That's kinda like the Blob, isn't it? You've been pretty silent over there, Mr. Co-editor.
UA: I think that dope was a bad idea.
Issue #4, 1989




"Songs about drugs for people who do drugs by people who are on drugs. Hell, they live drugs."
Issue #2, 1988




"'A Hundred Years' is the best song Tom Waits never wrote..." "...and 'piano' is 'Afterhours' if the VU were suddenly lost in Kentucky."
Issue #10, 1995




UA: Don't ever take guitar lessons. That'll ruin ya...
LB: No, no, never...
Issue #7, 1991




"If you think you're shocking your parents and friends by listening to Slayer or GG Allin, you've got another thing coming. We're here for the kids. We'll have a jammy time tonight. Lovely, just lovely."
Issue #4, 1989




UA: They'll like it ten years from now when you're on MTV or something.
WW: Like when Thurston Moore's kid is a big rocker, some drum and bass wizard saying "I was really influenced by the Chicago no wave scene, where are they now?" and they go to me lying on a street corner eating a piece of dirt.
Issue #12, 1997




"Unappreciated in their own time, it seemed like both a mystery and definitive proof of the hippie hypocricy why they were ignored and then vanished into thin air."
Issue #12, 1997




"But instead of shouting curse words when his head jerked to one side, he made bullet-ricocheting and shell-exploding noises often punctuated with 'getouttadaway!' or 'Billyyy!' or some such name."
Issue #9, 1994




"Messy, rolling sloppage that sounds like the Birthday Party being dished into a particle transmitter that turns men into mud."
Issue #5, 1990




"...but until then they can go fuck themselves and their music-free rabbit-food revolution."
Issue #13, 1999




UA: How about Mudhoney?
NL: Never heard of 'em.
UA: Good.
Issue #4, 1989




"In the next election, forget the veiled coverings of Republican versus Democrat, it's going to be the semi-fascistic capitalists against the liberal seeded Stalins."
Issue #10, 1995




UA: What's everybody's favorite illicit drug?
Zack: Pussy.
Issue #9, 1994




"You can only do so much preaching before they nail you up to the cross. Anybody got a hammer?"
Issue #4, 1989




"...I don't hear free-wheeling abandon so much as I hear the bright-eyed zealotry of fanatical social climbers who would rather be torn apart by coyotes than risk the embarrassment and ridicule of making a social faux pas."
Issue #13, 1989




"Despite Andrea Dworkin-type cunts, I'm in it for the feminism, not chauvanism."
Issue #10, 1995




"Add the fact that the song's ball-crushing chorus lifts ts chord progression directly from Blue Oyster Cult's 'Godzilla' (and its intro from Monster Magnet's 'Freakshop USA', if ya wanna get paranoid) and you've either got a great argument for the Cultural Brain or an accusation of grand theft."
Issue #7, 1991




"Earth, Water, Air, Fire, and now Bass."
Issue #4, 1989




"As the most inhumane century in the course of human progress draws to a close, some atrocities are harder to believe than others. It's 1995, and that's entertainment."
Issue #10, 1995




"The British Parliment called them 'The wreckers of civilisation' and I call them geniuses."
Issue #3, 1988




"Boiled down, electronica is a bureaucratic revolution that insures the rise of the paper-pushing middle manager/producer who's always got one hand on the oven that pops out the tunes, one hand on the quarterly growth target and the third hand on the phone with the marketing VP of Wal-Mart who's now demanding remixes dedicated to Jesus."
Issue #12, 1997




"I didn't care too much for the alb, and now I hate it. I hate it only because it does no semblance of justice to the screaming overblown pleasure of hearing it performed live."
Issue #4, 1989




"...as you get older you'll realize that being an addict and a whore is what everyone expects, and rather than making you Miller and Nin, it just means you're corporate lackeys who tolerate idiocy by day cause you're wasted and fucked by night."
Issue #9, 1994




"Okay, see this guy used to know what he was doing..."
Issue #3, 1988




Dan: A lot of bands in New York, that's their whole sole purpose of existing is to get signed and that is ridiculous.
UA: That's pretty much everywhere now. You go down the street here and they're hoping some talent fucking scout is somewhere looming in the rafters and shit.
Dan: That's such a misguided way to put your music out.
UA: That's the way of the day, man.
Issue #10, 1995




"Imagine Big Black, Motorhead, Hanatarash, Ornette Coleman, Morbid Angel, Metal Machine Music, the Minutemen, Helios Creed, and an Amtrak train coming out of your stereo all at once..."
Issue #7, 1991




"The eighties underground Renaissance (from, say, 1978 to 1987) would have never happened without Bruce Springsteen, Van Halen and Huey Lewis cracking the whip above ground."
Issue #13, 1999




"Early seven-oh guitar blather by guys who sound like they mean it. They even cover a Shocking Blue song, which is a cool move."
Issue #4, 1989




"In the meanwhile, tell Cotton Mather to go fuck himself..."
Issue #10, 1995




"Meaning, you gotta do more than smash a Rolling Rock over your head and scream like a burning monk, cuz to me, a strange van parked across the street for more than two days is a frightening and dangerous thing."
Issue #9, 1994




"When it was time to piss, I just whipped out my dick and pissed right on the floor. Shit, I was playing with serious fire, too."
Issue #8, 1992




"A fine example of our generation, from the cover to the grooves. If your grandchildren ask what type of music you listened to, hand 'em this.
Issue #4, 1989




"...any moron can find 'racist/sexist/heterosexist' rhetoric using the simplistic 'interpretive' tools of contemporary literary criticism that are fundamentally designed not so much to find 'racism/sexism/heterosexism' but to create it, specifically in accordance with the burgeoning capitalist marketplace for such research."
Issue #13, 1999




"This is what raps should be all about. Homeboys talkin bout robbing banks, killing cops, slappin hos, and doing everything else that scares the piss out of average white folk."
Issue #3, 1988




UA: Let's talk about the race war.
Matt: Oh, it's coming.
Nostradamus: I got my guns.
Matt: There'll be a class war long before a race war.
UA: Maybe we'll have a classy race war.
Zack: We had a class war.
Will: Who'd you fight?
Zack: Mrs. Brenner's class.
Issue #9, 1994




"Bells and mumbled TV voices will float in and out of the lo-fi mix like a weirdo alien radio station emitting mind controllng frequencies."
Issue #3, 1988




"No-fi shit stoked garage punk, buy everything w/their name on it. Now."
Issue #10, 1995




UA: How about Soul Train? You should try and get on Soul Train. Get the black audience.
KS: Do you think we would?
UA: Definitely. They're very progressive. Just get rid of the drummer and buy a beatbox.
Issue #4, 1989




"He drinks at the oasis of alcohol. He surrounds himself with filth and sees self-evidence that the truth is ugly and America is not that beautiful. He knows drinking and driving and getting away with it is freedom."
Issue #8, 1992




"First stop, Boulder at 11:00a. Last stop, Aspen at 8:00p. No condition to drive, Breckenridge at 3:00p."
Issue #9, 1994




UA: Tell me about your live shows.
LS: The live shows are supposed to be grand-scale operas, but I just usually get drunk, take my cloths off, and go around slapping people. I'm going to stop that, though. I'm trying to get some talent.
Issue #4, 1989




"Unsensational, unfulfilling, unessential, less than interesting drainage from some people who take too many pix of themselves and apparently are getting waaay too popular waaay too fast for no discernible reason whatsoever..."
Issue #7, 1991




"Sometimes I think the only reason to obtain a job other than supporting yourself is to gain access to information, money, food, skills and equipment with the sole intent of eventual, gradual long term theft of the aforementioned..."
Issue #9, 1994




"Nothing could've prepared us for the power of the re-formed Dog Of Mystery, captured on magnetic tape forever."
Issue #4, 1989




"I like SFS because I like the idea of Devo in a '57 Chevy trying to run over the members of Tsunami."
Issue #10, 1995




"...it's time to start the violence. Bomb shows. Stalk rock stars. Carry straight razors and guns. If you can't kill them, damage them. Fuck up their performances. Don't just sit there drowning in Liquid Television, be a hero. No one ever forgot Mark David Chapman, right? Listen, I could've personally strangled Kurt Cobain a few years ago and if I knew then what I know now... Look at it this way, the corporations closing in have actually made the horizon stretch far and wide. This is the new frontier. Trade in your records for rifles and your guitars for guns. Music is pointless. Don't think of it as killing a real person, think of it as killing a record cover, an image, an insect, a bad actor. It's all a cartoon, a bad joke. The history books await. Do It. Be creative. Make a mark besides the one above your grave."
Issue #8, 1992




"Jon Spencer = John Tesh."
Issue #9, 1994




"The mufucker can mix, and this is his masterpiece."
Issue #8, 1992




Sharpy: The seven inch was pressed on black vinyl to erase racial tensions in North America. Seven inches, however proved to be less than adequate..."
Issue #9, 1994



"...clearly demonstrates the idea that corporate advertising has stolen every coherent mind in sight and that the media's united front is today's Fourth Reich."
Issue #12, 1997




UA: Describe the recording process.
The 5th Butterfly: Roll tape. Play music in front of microphones.
Issue #10, 1995




"Nirvana push all the right buttons to make your hips shake but the only beat I end up hearing is the slap of David Geffen's fat thighs against their young collective behind."
Issue #7, 1991




"She was busy, so we entertained ourselves by having a very loud Frogs and N.W.A. sing-a-long out in the hall while a large gathering of art-fuckers tried to look dignified and serious."
Issue #4, 1989




ME: Did you get the stuff I sent ya?
SA: I got the negro pornography.
ME: "Big Black Screw", you liked that didn't you?
SA: Not really
Issue #5, 1990




"Put her in a line-up with lezbo Melissa Etheridge, scam-artist Sheryl Crow and that dopey twat from the Blake Babies and try and guess which one's guilty of more crimes against eyes and ears."
Issue #10, 1995




"The Sha Na Na of hardcore."
Issue #9, 1994




"...this single sounds like Alter-Human Industrial Fetishisms-era Drunks With Guns and Forget Life, I'm High On Dope-era Monster Magnet kicking the shit out of Skullflower for drug money."
Issue #7, 1991




"Someday, when you're stuck in barbed wire, you'll understand, but then it'll be too late..."
Issue #10, 1995




"I mean, this is pretty good, but you don't need pretty good things in your life."
Issue #4, 1989




"...it's far too timid considering the fact that hip-hop and rock have been coyly flirting with each for almost fifteen fucking years like a couple of prudish virgins."
Issue #13, 1999




"Not a great album but I think they got one in them."
Issue #3, 1988




"Acidic punk rock with lots of delay and every imaginable guitar pedal set on the 'duh' setting."
Issue #9, 1994




"Completely wild, breath-taking, and unbelievable."
Issue #8, 1992




"Now that the Buttholes are on the wrong side of flabby, the mantel of scumbag weirdness has been passed..."
Issue #4, 1989




"...Spinal Tap and Puppet Show version of stoner music that's not unlike being entombed in Grace Slick's cunt."
Issue #10, 1995




"To truly understand, you must avoid music, rise above words, put down this zine and think for your goddamn self, little man. I command you."
Issue #7, 1991




"Frank Rizzo is an American icon, long may he live and prank."
Issue #9, 1994




"Glenn is plainly past his prime, which occurred shortly after symphony number one and slightly before number three. Still, for five bucks, I would eat this shit up."
Issue #10, 1995




UA: I've noticed that you're pretty bottom-heavy for an English band.
BB: That's cause we've all got heavy bottoms.
Issue #4, 1989




"I don't do anything anymore. I don't go to shows. I don't listen to music. All I do is sit home, inhale nitrous, and watch porno while eating candy apples and Lucky Charms."
Issue #8, 1992




"Their manifesto is about, of all things, radical veganism. Five paragraphs dedicated not to the woebegone state of the corporate music industry, nor to the creepy surveillance laws that threaten to make us all into thought criminals, nor even to the falling-down public school system. An entire band dedicated only to...radical veganism. Perhaps one day I'll form a band dedicated only to the Second Amendment and every song will be about the joy of shooting and cleaning guns."
Issue #13, 1999




"It was a beautiful thing indeed... After the show, I asked the bassist how come they don't do that on records...he just stared at me."
Issue #5, 1990




Zack: The scene comes to us and asks us if they can do stuff. For instance, the scene will call us up...
UA: As a whole.
Zack: ...and ask 'Can we drink beers tonight?' And we'll say no, and the scene will not drink beers that night.
Issue #9, 1994




"Heil Sandoz. Long live the Reich."
Issue #4, 1989




"I left this in direct sunlight and it melted."
Issue #9, 1994




"Brandon makes Neil Peart seem like an Alzheimers infested Reagan, who outclanks Sandoval, and humbley humbles everbody from the pussy who used to be in Slayer on down to Buddy "Get Off My Bus" Rich with a ruthless funky efficiency that proves that white boys walked the earth long before drum machines."
Issue #10, 1995



Will: I dunno, the thing about malt liquor...something about it just kills me.
UA: That's the problem. Midnight Dragon's like that. You start to feel like you're burning. I used to drink it all the time at CBGB's to avoid the $5 beers, so across the street they're selling them a dollar for a big can of Midnight Dragon and they were good then. But one time I was drinking it at home and it felt like somebody poured napalm on my back. It was fucking me up... Uh, I don't have any questions.
Issue #10, 1995




"Comes close to an out-of-body experience on record."
Issue #2, 1988




"...as an impressionable twelve-year-old, even I could hear that it was the soundtrack to smoking pot in the back of your van in an abandoned parking lot while screwing some high school slut who has to be home by 10 PM because she's fifteen and her father doesn't like her going out with twenty-five-year-olds."
Issue #13, 1999




Laura: ...I wanna have this restaurant called "Blow Your Fuckin' Face Off."
UA: Why?
Jeff: To weed out the weak customers.
Issue #8, 1992




D: I don't. That's what I loved about LA. They use all ozone for purifying water. Ozonation...you know flouride has been illegal in California, and they just passed a law to flouridate it. They're about to have a rebellion out there because of it. What happened was, they had a new term limits law and the flouride industry went in and bought out all of the powerful people, who were leaving anyway, and offered them full time jobs in the chemical industry. The people there are mad as hell."
Issue #12, 1997




"If you put Fugazi and 7 Seconds in a blender, hopefully it would kill them. If it didn't..."
Issue #6, 1990




"Trying to forget the shit on legs surrounding us, I thunk I saw that faggot Trent Reznor milling about like he's Clark Kent on assignment and there wasn't enough Kryptonite under the bar to keep him at bay."
Issue #12, 1997




"It's as though the CIA took Chris Farley into a re-education camp to turn him into an Alan Alda, but they fucked up and created a Travis Bickle instead."
Issue #13, 1999




"Time to piss on Curtis' evil empire..."
Issue #6, 1990




"While we chat, I get this most amazing revalation which goes: 'Dude, you're standing next to a porno starlet, soak it in.'"
Issue #8, 1992




R: You never know. But if it does happen, do you know what to do if they come and knock on your door?
UA: Just fire right through it!
Issue #12, 1997




"Eddie Vedder's wife, the bass player, seems infatuated with Kim Gordon's bass playing circa '83, and in fact every other bass riff seems to reference either 'Inhuman' or some other song from Confusion Is Sex, which of course is not a bad thing at all."
Issue #13, 1999




"This approximates the dolt from Alice In Chains fronting the Smiths. Whoa, do they blow."
Issue #9, 1994




"The fluff-girl, for the most part, is a mythical creature. Tales are told that once, long ago, the sidelines of dirty movie sets were stocked with talented tongues and fingers that readied the privates of the on-screen players for perfect takes. These were the 'fluffers.' No such practice is known to go on in current-day pornography, and once a videotaped record is released of The World's Biggest Gang Bang, fluffing's permanent extinction is guaranteed."
Issue #10, 1995




"Typical New York, they were tight and kooky, just fine."
Issue #6, 1990




"But, I'm not lying when I tell you how good this band, particularly this album, is." "If Pink Floyd were into the depths of the earth rather than the gates of dawn, it would almost be comparable."
Issue #8, 1992




"You're a humanist and you've got the textbooks to prove it."
Issue #11, 1996




"...more authentic blues feel and swamp ooze than anything since Chess Records in its prime. Yeah, that's an exaggeration but not by much."
Issue #9, 1994




Zack: My father was a breech baby.
Larry: Shut up. He's only a manager. Strike that remark.
Scott: I'll strike that. (Hits Zack)
Issue #6, 1990



"It's fast and sinister, but stagnant, like Dante's Devil frozen forever in his own cold war at the bottom of blue blazes. Sure, his wings are flapping furiously, but the ice will never let him go."
Issue #9, 1994




GS: ...After being brilliant artists and obsessed, they were really numbed and now they can work at the post office.
UA: So it actually ruined them?
GS: Well, we call that success.
Issue #7, 1991




"PC is nothing more than a distorted form of postmod moral relativism, which is nothing more than disguised radical capitalism..."
Issue #13, 1999




"However flawed, it successfully blows Tim Cronin's carspeakers to pieces."
Issue #10, 1995




"...fuck themselves by being lax in the killer riff dept. - the price you pay for being a vegan - but there are about four songs on Deathshead that make me want to tip over cop cars and play tourist stab-and-run in Washington Square..."
Issue #12, 1997




"I really like P.J. Harvey's recorded output; I know it's a tough sell to the cynical jerk-offs who read and write this tome, but so be it."
Issue #10, 1995




"GG Allin: GG is large and ugly and given any chance to do so will hit his head with a microphone and throw clumps of shit straight from his ass. GG Allin, most probably, is retarded."
Issue #7, 1991




"What are you waiting for, the heralding trumpets of armageddon? Jump on this before it jumps you."
Issue #9, 1994




"Not to mention their legendary drunken anyone-can-do-this performances, where they taunted the straightedge members of their audience mercilessly with their pro-drug rantings, made a mockery of punk attitudes, and generally made nuisances of themselves..."
Issue #2, 1988




Dan: Right, so when we were invited today to play at Aerosmith's club up in Boston, we jumped at the chance.
UA: Really? Who are you going to be playing with?
Dan: I think we have our choice.
UA: Who are you going to choose?
Dan: I don't know. Maybe we'll get Frown.
UA: Hell, yeah. We're ready to go anywhere and chase everybody out of the room.
Dan: Right, we'll chase Joe Perry down the street...
UA: And set him on fire.
Dan: (laughter) Set him on fire.
Issue #10, 1995




"John Spencer will be a bluesman when Vanilla Ice freezes over and becomes a rapper..."
Issue #7, 1991




"Doc Rollins forgot that he left the good brain in the Black Flag monster, and he's been trying ever since to duplicate his previous success even though the villagers burned that colossus after it threw Huey Lewis in the lake."
Issue #12, 1997




"Spoiled kids who've inherited the motherlode..."
Issue #11, 1996




"...blends a punk 'fuck you' attitude, a metal 'satan rules' stance, a psych-rock 'in our own world, making our own rules as we go along' introversion, all warped together..."
Issue #6, 1990




"...these guys pop the top on the can labelled 'Do Not Open - Doom'."
Issue #10, 1995




"Not one person in the world is gonna buy this, and if just per chance someone does, I'll hear a ringing in my ear to let me know when to laugh."
Issue #9, 1994




"...it's an open secret among those who travel in the upper class, those who circulate amongst the elite bodies and elite institutions, that these messages are exactly wrong and that success comes from the one-two paradox of knuckling under and swirling your spiked ego like a ball-and-chain."
Issue #11, 1996




"...operate on some booze-soaked tangent where drugs make nothing seem alright and music is to be stumbled upon and then marvelled at like apes discovering fire..."
Issue #7, 1991




"Shitology."
Issue #10, 1995




"Punk rock is dead due to the basic stupidity of punks."
Issue #3, 1988




"The 'miners got the gurgling wall of wail a la Live Skull, the spastic hip-sway of Scratch Acid, and the hocus-pocus of demo-era Butthole Surfers. Not to mention the guitar-growl of dopey Dinosaur Jr. and a song style that is remniscent of the Volcano Suns.'
Issue #4, 1989




"Where to turn? Family members are monstrosities. Friends are fiends. Emotions are live wires that burn you and everything around you. Sex and drugs have been done to death. And love? Don't make me cry... And you probably think you're the only one going through hell? Well, join the fucking club, pal."
Issue #10, 1995




"If Devo were reborn as Deicide with a rice burner for a drum machine, it'd might match this mayhem."
Issue #8, 1992




"...they're a rock band, and for a period of four or five years were an amazing, wild, innovative, blasting rock band. Their early records are the spirit of rock, you stupid fucks, and only twistoid, liberal, turn-the-world-around-so-it-suits-me lying little corporate shits would disagree."
Issue #13, 1999




"Take the worst GG Allin song and change the lyrics to 'Flipper was a porpoise / I'll put you on corpses' and you'll get the gist."
Issue #4, 1989




"There ain't no justice in being a longhair and diggin' these four 'cutting edge' dirtballs."
Issue #2, 1988




"Italy is great except for the Italians"
Issue #7, 1991




"Perhaps the most beautiful thing I've ever heard, and if this ain't the sound of Heaven, I don't wanna go."
Issue #6, 1990




"...a sad parade of technique and equipment fetishists all praying to generate even a fraction of the wildness of the wind through the trees."
Issue #9, 1994




"They had that elusive Hoboken Sound and a guitarist who resembled Katherine Hepburn doing a Chuck Berry impression (so their set wasn't totally without entertainment value)."
Issue #4, 1989




"The eye-shadowed and teased and sprayed and spandex and leather crew returned to sit in the backstage closet for our set, and afterwards sheepishly told us how blown away they were by our shit. Yeah. Wouldn't take much to blow away that fluff. One of them asked me if he could buy my underwear. Scott held him for me while I kicked his ass."
Issue #8, 1992




"Inside, The Stupid Fans were doing The Stupid Cure Dance. I was embarrassed that someone might recognize me, but when I saw Robert Smith with his big hair I got excited and threw a Suckdog record at him."
Issue #5, 1990




"'Enter Sandman', a song about nightmares, is as about as threatening as an episode of Casper the Friendly fucking Ghost."
Issue #7, 1991




"...if you've got a grouse to espouse and you wanna hide it in plain sight, put it in print...like, go Guttenberg."
Issue #10, 1995




"Scummy, slummy, noise with kind of a beat and sort of a riff. As great as the first two singles were, this is better."
Issue #8, 1992




"Sepultura's Roots, for example, is a boiling cauldron of steak-fed aggression and jackboot fever that manages to simmer for 70 minutes. Roots is the unholy progeny of Atomizer and Reign In Blood..."
Issue #13, 1999




"Definitely buy the record but never, never, never see them live even if it's free."
Issue #4, 1989




"Squinting real hard, I saw Hendrix. When she didn't burn her harp I was pissed."
Issue #7, 1991




"Not something for the idiot ear, mind you, only food for the odd. And I've yet to meet a cuss who's heard of 'em and I doubt I'll meet many that'll like what they hear."
Issue #6, 1990




"Jim doesn't know whether he wants to subvert the kids or please them, but rest assured neither will occur..."
Issue #10, 1995




"This is best rap album I've ever heard. Geez, I remember when the Beastie Boys were the most violent rappers and they stole it all from Schoolly D."
Issue #6, 1990




"Forget the pap that Robyn Hitchcock puts out, Chris Knox is the true heir to the kind of naively fucked up pop stuff that Syd Barret did."
Issue #4, 1989



"...this foursome are so tanked on the minutiae of their own lives that I'm surprised they can leave the house without turning to dust."
Issue #10, 1995




"Better than Sonic Youth in my book, but let's not even bring them into this."
Issue #5, 1990




"...having come-hither nonsequiturs relentlessly 'whispered' in your ear for an hour over weak, sludgy new-wave/funk riffs is about as sexy as a 1-900 line staffed by Ol' Dirty Bastard."
Issue #13, 1999




"...gimme something exciting like Nyquil and a pillow, not this..."
Issue #8, 1992




"You can't quite tell if they're worshipping the past, mocking it, ripping it off, or fucking it up the ass."
Issue #7, 1991




"The tour consists of playing the same dumps as before, only the band is now more snazzily dressed."
Issue #9, 1994




"Contains all the culture you'll need for the next ten years."
Issue #4, 1989




"If you think navel-dwelling by young boys wearing their moms' panties is gross, well, blubbering dads w/ guitars will churn your lunch but good."
Issue #9, 1994




"When they kick into their Velvety noise mantra, it's all over. These guys are king."
Issue #4, 1989




"Collecting those bearded ceramic wee people commonly referred to as lawn gnomes is a fun way to replace a music fetish."
Issue #10, 1995




"Another heavyweight falls by the wayside."
Issue #2, 1988




BS: Is that a band?
UA: They used to be. There was also Nick Cave's Dick Vs. Godzilla. C'mon, what about Assbucket? That's a great name for a band.
BS: Assbucket's not bad. Headbucket.
UA: Yeah, but that isn't as visceral. ASSbucket.
NL: Sounds like something you stick on a horse.
UA: That's a feedbag,
NL: Assbucket, feedbag, what's the difference?
UA: How about Eternal Sore Lick?
UA: Or Butt Christ.
BS: Is this really an interview?
Issue #4, 1989




"Yeah, I knew that. The guy only had $500 on him," I said. There was silence, and then "well.. .no, that just doesn't seem right. Something's wrong there..."
Issue #9, 1994




"Pulls at you in a way that Dinosaur used to, before they changed their name and forgot what they were doing."
Issue #2, 1988




"A man from Ancora once told me about the CIA, he said, 'once you start believing in the paranoia is when they get you."
Issue #9, 1994




"Quite possibly the best white blues band I've ever heard."
Issue #2, 1988




"Avant Garde? Avant Garde is the idea that jumping up and down will make your sagging cake of a band a success."
Issue #10, 1995




SCG: No one fucks with us, not even the government. We are a powerful triangle because our father was one beautiful motherfucker!"
Issue #3, 1988




"Cold showers aside, if bilocation were possible, I'd be kicking their fucking asses right now."
Issue #9, 1994




"I had a taffy pull with a rugged negro bouncer but I lost."
Issue #3, 1988




"Along with Soundgarden, Jane's Addiction, Smashing Pumpkins, and their ilk, Nirvana are making a run on the mass market, difference with N. being that they've got the hooks to do it..."
Issue #7, 1991




"Postmodernism's been a big hit with this crowd, having everyone from professional pederasts to hair-piece careerists thinking that they won't be having crackers and rocks for dinner anymore."
Issue #9, 1994



TD: Yeah. They really took it hard. Let's go upstairs. I wanna see Nirvana.
Issue #4, 1989




"'A Knife' is a cool anthem, a great pulverizer with a chorus of 'yeeeaaahhh, yeeeaaahhh, yeeeaaahhh, He's got a knife' that'll make you utter it 'til yr blue..."
Issue #6, 1990




"Well, so ends another chapter in my porn sojourn into insanity."
Issue #10, 1995




"At dinner, someone ordered a mineral water, to which the witty Nazi waiter replied 'oh, American champagne.' A quick reminder of who won the war shut him up."
Issue #7, 1991




"...my feelings were still hurt by Gira's decision to trade in his musical steamroller for a go-cart run on the cum of new wave fops."
Issue #8, 1992




"If Steve Albini played like Hendrix it would probably sound like this."
Issue #3, 1988




"This is so bad I almost like the Pixies better. Read: Almost."
Issue #8, 1992




"I was expecting a live show full of violence (GG attacking the crowd, GG shitting on the crowd, GG raping the crowd)..."
Issue #4, 1989




"...then I can see why being as tranquil and uncommitted as a moonbeam is far better than emulating a brooding, whiny-ass jerk who vacillates from crying while stringing his guitar to tipping over a table at a restaurant because the filet mignon is slightly overdone."
Issue #12, 1997




"You wouldn't want to meet their equipment in a dark alley..."
Issue #6, 1990




"The singer (screecher) pelts the crowd with various household projectiles, the bassist waves his bass over his head in some state of ecstasy that does not necessitate the playing of an instrument, while the rest of the band create the uppity sound of ten thousand rats over-turning a moving subway car."
Issue #9, 1994




"...I missed the highlight of the festival, Hoppy The Frog, wherein a man dressed in an enormous frog costume with a microphone in the head lept about fronting a lute-driven grunge free-jazz ensemble. To use his words, 'the Butthole Surfers meets the Banana Splits' (the Butthole Splits?), and if that isn't a recommendation I don't know fuck."
Issue #9, 1994




"...the two components of addiction and alienation creating a vicious circle that not only turns you into a neurotic mess, but also, not coincidentally, the perfect consumer."
Issue #11, 1996




Scott: ...Everybody's afraid of death. Aren't you afraid to die?
Cheez: Not me, fuck you.
Larry: He's afraid to get kicked out of his parent's house, never mind dying.
Issue #6, 1990




UA: Did Pussy Galore break up?
TD: No, they're on tour right now. 'Dial M For Motherfucker' is an excellent record.
UA: I don't like that rock n roll shit.
TD: Well, you're entitled to your opinion.
UA: Hey, I've got my asshole on right, buddy.
Issue #4, 1989




"The new age enthusiast is simply the mirror image of the fetishist, only we're dealing with someone who's addicted to his therapy as opposed to addicted to his pain."
Issue #11, 1996




"So is Dave Wyndorf now just David Lee Roth on hard drugs? Only the new album will tell..."
Issue #8, 1992




"Like a tiger claw to the West Coast funk, Wu-Tang puts in pound for pound that NY ain't going out like Rip Van Winkle."
Issue #9, 1994




"...the lead singer jumps around like an evil pixie and I had to hold on to my chair to keep myself from jumping on stage and luring her back to my car with candy canes."
Issue #7, 1991




"Steve Albini told me their time was up a few years ago and I didn't believe him. Now I'm not too sure."
Issue #6, 1990




UA: So are you living on the streets, or squatting?
KS: Squatting.
UA: Is that a good lifestyle?
KS: Well...yeah, sure, why not.
UA: We kill people who squat over here. Beat them with firehoses.
KS: Is that good?
UA: You can get raped.
KS: Is that good?
UA: There's a lot of man-rapers here.
KS: Is that good?
UA: People put cigarettes out on your face.
KS: Yeah, is that good though?
UA: I guess, if you're into pain.
Issue #4, 1989




"Spacemen 3 are about feeling good in a world where that is nearly impossible without sex, drugs, or rock n roll."
Issue #3, 1988




"Perry makes GG Allin seem like Shakespeare in the lyric dept."
Issue #8, 1992




"I realized how much Bill Laswell needs to have his fingers chopped off so he can never twiddle another studio knob in his life..."
Issue #4, 1989




Eric: You're Evil Acidhead?
UA: That is one of my many names.
Issue #10, 1995




"...a pack of white-boy 'blues' fetishists who feel that painfully tedious songs best convey the pain and tedium of life."
Issue #9, 1994




"Julie Cafritz...oh, forget it... Trust me, a be-titted Beverly Hillbillies-Mudhoney the world needs not..."
Issue #6, 1990




"Sister was bearable but as of now killing idols is a right hairy screamer of an idea."
Issue #2, 1988




"People who can release forty guilt-free minutes of eighth-grade sermonizing over tired, lockstep sludge and present it as a calling card to the new millennium are clearly out of their fucking minds and capable of any atrocity in the name of whatever political fever they happen to be entertaining at that particular moment."
Issue #13, 1999




"Unheralded New Zealand band that's pretty fucking ginchy. Located musically somewhere between The Clean and The Gordons..."
Issue #4, 1989




"...they're nice guys to get drunk with, but I wouldn't wanna have to listen to their records."
Issue #7, 1991




"I want to see technology used as a weapon, not used as a medium for which art students and cross-dressers shake their cans to. That means, I want technology to destroy technology."
Issue #8, 1992




"Punked up garage rock done right, worth your cash."
Issue #9, 1994




"...wanted girls in mini-skirts, lingerie, and spiked booties coming to their shows, not those goths dressed in black who didn't put out. Well, who can blame these guys, but what they've become is even more sickening than what thay were."
Issue #4, 1989




"My guess is that the only future for non-political bourgeois white-guy glam is a kind of goofy pseudo-Zen eccentricity. Since multiculturalism essentially dictates that middle-class white males have no problems whatsoever, or, at the very least, that they should quit their mewling about the insubstantial problems that they do have, it's only logical that 'sensitive' white guys should re-present themselves as the rocking incarnation of the smiling Buddha. Thus they can maintain their status as non-conformists without making any overt power-plays."
Issue #8, 1992




"Killing them would be letting them off too easy..."
Issue #3, 1988




"David Lee Roth went crazy after losing his hair, but at least he didn't lie about his needs."
Issue #10, 1995




"The A-side is the 17 minute long title track that would melt Slayer in their boots."
Issue #4, 1989




"...will soon be sharing the same money tit as Nirvana. Which would be fine, it's only music, right? If only the success of these bands didn't involve a historical distortion that inevitably buries their forebearers."
Issue #7, 1991




"The most aurally complex punk band ever."
Issue #6, 1990




"Not that a pastiche of Blind Idiot God, Mission Of Burma / Volcano Suns, Slovenly, Slint, Helmet and Metallica is a freedom chariot to the sun..."
Issue #9, 1994




"There's not to much to say about Mofungo as a phenomenon, just that they're quirky and intelligent (no, not like They Might Be Giants, asshole)..."
Issue #4, 1989




"Imagine yourself in a room with two people; one is clearly insane while the other proclaims to be... Which one gets the cookie?"
Issue #7, 1991




"Never before has a band fully lived up to its name."
Issue #3, 1988




"Really, the easiest way to understand the English music scene is to think of it as a parade in which musical trends are represented as floats. The music press are the judges. As soon as one float has been selected as the 'most fashionable' entry in the parade, the musicians from the other floats abandon ship and jump on the winning float, adjusting their musical style and haircuts accordingly."
Issue #8, 1992




"If you're the type who thinks talk about gunning nigga's down is funny while raps about gunning other races down ain't, then you're fucked in the head. Let's face it, humanity, for the most part, sucks."
Issue #7, 1991




UA: Why did you move to S.F.?
DW: More fags.
Issue #4, 1989




"Of course the standard PC line is that class warfare doesn't exist, liberal fascism is benevolent but conservative fascism is intolerable..." "Fuck that. Where's a white anarchist to go these days?"
Issue #13, 1999




"Just like Scratch Acid except Scratch Acid didn't suck."
Issue #6, 1990




"...he'd probably kill himself if it meant having a candy bar named after him."
Issue #10, 1995




"Who cares, we don't want to be preached to by some foreigner with a visa. Somebody threw a wad of paper at him and I wanted to high-five the bro."
Issue #4, 1989




"Garage punk blues, Howlin' Wolf fronts Negative Approach (well not really, but it's concise and I'm drunk)..."
Issue #9, 1994




"Sometimes they'll sound like Led Zep, then Throbbing Gristle, then the Banshees with a wizened drug addict on the mic. And damn good at that."
Issue #2, 1988




"...there are no more stands to take without risking sounding like another pulpit-pounding stooge. Fair enough, but is saying nothing the answer to both dogmatic liberals and conservatives?"
Issue #7, 1991




"...the only band that burned hot titty that evening with their special brand of raving garage punk the way it's supposed to be done..."
Issue #5, 1990




"The Scientists were one of the greatest bands to ever come down the pike..."
Issue #3, 1988




"You get peace, unity, and rap and that's about as natural as a two-headed cow."
Issue #4, 1989




"...someone proclaimed them 'space thrash' and that's as accurate as it gets."
Issue #6, 1990




"Too much loser buttflexing for me to handle."
Issue #3, 1988




"Extra points for not shying away from the cow bell, and knowing who Dust and Captain Beyond are."
Issue #10, 1995




"Bauhaus has returned as a bunch of nerdy button-pushing computer geeks looking to sell us the low, low priced rebellion that we clamor for. How can I care if the government is spying on me when I'm a techno-goth exhibitionist with a heart of ice?"
Issue #7, 1991




"If the Stones (Rolling) recorded 12x5 with heads full of speedy acid... This is rock n roll the way an AK-47 is a target pistol..."
Issue #4, 1989




"Three piece speedmetal outfit whose output is twice as ugly as the band photo. Mean as Motorhead ever was, and that's a mouthful."
Issue #3, 1988




"Damn, whenever you think these guys are pussies, in comes this guitar blast that tears off your face..."
Issue #7, 1991




"The ear of the contemporary consumer has grown completely accustomed to hearing one perfect beat after the next, and at this point I would suggest that real drums played by real people actually sound jarring and nerve-wracking to the average pop listener."
Issue #13, 1999




"It's a pretty good high, you feel like you're at a 45 degree angle being waved around like a magic wand."
Issue #8, 1992




"Makes present-day Cave and Rollins look like young boys trapped in cake."
Issue #9, 1994




"Eating acid is cheaper, clearer and leads to the truth without trying to sell you a t-shirt while you're there.
Issue #7, 1991




"They're kinda like New Zealand's four track answer to Syd Barret."
Issue #3, 1988




"This thing spits, claws, howls and jacks itself into a state of frenzy so pure you'll want to smack the first cop you see."
Issue #10, 1995




"If it's not then someone should shoot them and if it is, well, shoot them anyway."
Issue #4, 1989




"Just in case you haven't turned on a TV in the past fifteen years, I'm hear to tell you that you can get essentially the same message from any beer, truck or fast-food commercial currently on the air."
Issue #13, 1999




"...suddenly decided to be the best band in England if not the world with their peculiar blend of extremist psychotic concrete ambient splurge."
Issue #6, 1990




"...for now I'll let the other hacks crack their knuckles trying and sit back in my bean bag with bong in hand and gun in lap and wait impatiently for their next alb like the old timers use to do for Beatles records: Yep, things have gotten that bad, motherfucker..."
Issue #7, 1991




"Anyway, when it was all over, my head rang like the Liberty Bell, all cracked and free"
Issue #8, 1992




"The singer whines and croons with pathos over a sort of Velvet Underground folkish-rock music orchestrated by gay little things like bells and triangles and lovely nasal 'ah-a-a's and 'ooh-o-o's."
Issue #4, 1989




"The corporations that used to want to sell you decadence now want to sell you fantasies of power and control..."
Issue #13, 1999




"College radio deejays will eat this up. Yes, it's that bad."
Issue #2, 1988




"...nudity and anti-PC behavior are only as good as the last chord played, and even one other song as good as "Onic Outh" could prevent them from becoming Gwar Jr."
Issue #10, 1995




"In the fragmented and secular society we live in, it's amazing what some people'll do to get religion..."
Issue #3, 1988




"Art with a capital F."
Issue #6, 1990




"Two saxes, bass, and guitar sounding as fucked up as a pack of 30ft tall angry geese made of cement or as delicate as King Kong dancing on the head of a pin."
Issue #4, 1989




"I grow weary of this hogwash."
Issue #10, 1995




UA: Why do people hate Tom?
Tim: I dunno, they're jealous of his manliness or something. I don't hate him, he's fine. I only hate him occasionally.
UA: Why? Does he grab your ass or something?
Tim: No, No, he's only queer occasionally. Oh, shit, he's gonna quote me on that...
UA: Hear that, everybody? Tom Smith is queer occasionally.
Issue #5, 1990




"Yeah, sounds real white, but we had to get loaded somehow."
Issue #8, 1992




"The best moments involved the songs turning from fairly standard numbers into complex shrieking shards of noise that Sonic Youth can't pull off nowadays without having it seem like they're making a reference to the trappings of their past."
Issue #4, 1989




"...'artists' who congratulate themselves daily for trafficking in irony, pastiche, retro-worship and other banal tyrannies of 'postmodernism' are nothing but cons and knick-knack pushers in disguise, hooligans sustained by nothing more than the I.V.'s that run from their asses to their mouths."
Issue #9, 1994




"Everything that Skinny Puppy promises but never seems to deliver."
Issue #2, 1988




"Thick, fast, tight, and I've never heard anything like them before or since. Two fucking incredible singles, a pretty cool LP, and they were gone."
Issue #4, 1989




"...Jimmy's a pussy. That's right, a pussy. You read it here first.
Issue #10, 1995




"The group of us, consisting of members of Dime Bag and Monster Magnet, were all on downers so things were just about as exciting as Seconals and Valiums will let things get."
Issue #6, 1990




"Assembly line aggression for those with weak hearts."
Issue #8, 1992




UA: What is 'Brittleback' about?
CR: 'Brittleback' is a character on the 3rd LP who had a brittle spine so there was a stovepipe with a roulette wheel attached to it. The town gave him the roulette wheel so that he might be able to make a living with it.
Issue #7, 1991




"Unfortunately, we're a part this pathetic enterprise, but we're not afraid of these losers and we'll serve justice like the blind whore she is."
Issue #10, 1995




"It's enough to make go out and spray-paint pentagrams all over town, but I don't know if I can trust devil-children who thank their parents first in the credits."
Issue #4, 1989




"As you read this, there are people all over this country who are clinging desperately to their victimization, neuroses, depression and mania, nursing their sicknesses as the last vestiges of virgin, unexploited humanity. Their collective 'illness' is simply a last stand against the relentless capitalization of their every impulse and desire, a way to slip autonomous rage, fear, even joy, through the back door, a way to protect the final parcel on the psychogeographic map from stripmining and ruin."
Issue #11, 1996




"The noise factor has been eradicated by clean production. That's just one reason not to bother."
Issue #3, 1988




Tom: ...it was pretty similiar to what you saw in Philadelphia. We figured nobody was gonna like it, that nobody would figure it out, but right off the bat, people were like swaying back and forth like they were on a ship or something. After that show, we were kind of surprized that people knew what was going down.
UA: That you had a future.
Tom: That a two-piece whaling band would be alright.
Issue #12, 1997




UA: Any final comments?
BS: Yeah. Can we do this interview over again?
UA: No.
Issue #4, 1989





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